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3 Things We Get Wrong About Managing Other People
Tuesday, October 07, 2025
Many managers get promoted because they’re good at their jobs—not necessarily because they’re good at managing people. Yet once in leadership, they’re expected to navigate some of the most complex human problems at work: emotional breakdowns, interpersonal conflict, feedback resistance, and generational friction. But here’s the problem: Most managers have been trained to manage tasks, not people.
In my work with managers, I’ve noticed three common myths that lead even the most well-meaning leaders astray:
Myth #1: Humans are rational.
When employees behave in ways that seem illogical—crying during meetings, refusing feedback, or ghosting after a conflict—leaders often double down on logic: “If I just explain this more clearly, they’ll get it.”
But humans aren't wired to be rational in the heat of stress. Evolution has equipped us with a survival brain that responds to threats (like conflict or criticism) with emotional reactivity, not logic. Our survival brains work on worst-case scenarios, not on probabilities or logic. So when you focus on logic, you’re speaking to the wrong part of the brain.
Myth #2: You can control other people.
Many managers burn out trying to say the “right thing” in the “right way” to get others to change. But the truth is that control is an illusion. You can influence—but not control—how others behave.
This is just the neurobiology of humans. We have more control over behaviour than thoughts or feelings (frontal lobe vs. survival brain). What you can control is your own behavior and how you show up as a leader.
Myth #3: Pushing harder will get others to change.
When someone resists a request, most managers try harder: stronger language, tighter deadlines, more pressure. But that usually backfires. Why?
Because autonomy is a basic human need. Push too hard, and you trigger reactance—a psychological pushback that makes people even less likely to cooperate (even if they might actually agree with the request!).
What Should Managers Do Instead?
1. Use your wise mind: Connect emotionally, not just logically. Wise mind is the overlap between the logical and emotional brain. To influence others, we need to connect with both parts, not just the logical part. That means connecting with the parts that don’t seem logical!
Remember, you can validate someone’s experience without validating their beliefs. We’re just trying to acknowledge that they feel how they feel, rather than deciding whether they should feel that way. Validation ends in a period; it doesn’t include a “but.”
2. Focus on what you control: your own behaviour. Rather than coming up with plans about what the other person must do, focus on how you want to show up. Does your solution to this problem start with "I" or "they"?
Instead of thinking "if only this person would change," how can you shift to "given that they are going to behave this way, how do I want to show up?" It will always make you feel more empowered to focus on the part where you have the most control: your own behaviour.
3. Reframe the conversation around shared purpose. When conflict arises, it’s easy to slip into a push-pull dynamic: me vs. you. But this only fuels defensiveness and reactance. Instead, try reframing the discussion around a shared purpose—the deeper “why” behind your interaction. “Why does this matter?” “What’s important about this?” “What are we both trying to achieve here?” “What’s the common ground?”
Then shift the conversation to whether your actions (and theirs) are moving you toward or away from that shared purpose. This simple shift moves you to the same “side” of the problem and reduces resistance.
Conclusion
Effective people management isn’t about being better at controlling people. We will have much more success if we focus on connection and understanding how humans function. Using psychological science can make our interpersonal interactions less stressful and better for everyone in the long run.
Have questions? Submit them here—we’ll share the questions anonymously and provide answers on social media to help you and others facing the same challenges.
Meet Dr. Dayna, Ph.D.
Dr. Dayna Lee-Baggley is a Registered Psychologist with two decades of professional experience in clinical psychology, health psychology, and organizational psychology. She has extensive applied experience and research knowledge on burnout, psychological safety in the workplace, behaviour and organizational change, and wellness leadership. She is an internationally recognized expert in human behavior. She conducts innovative research at Dalhousie and Saint Mary’s University, with a distinguished track record of 55 peer-reviewed publications and over 140 scholarly presentations. She is the author of "Healthy Habits Suck: How to get off the couch and live a healthy life even if you don’t want to"
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